From Welcome to Nocturnia and the All News Dream (#83):

Dr. Alwyn Topper, clone assistant to Dr. Alwyn Topper of Hair Club For Mensa fame, has been evicted from his apartment. Neighbors had complained of excessive hair growth on doorknobs throughout the apartment building and accused the brainy clone of wantonly gratuitous experimentation.

To escape the ire of his fellow tenants Dr. Topper has moved in with his mentor, Dr. Topper and Dr. Topper's wife, Mrs. Topper. A reporter's knock brought Mrs. Topper to the door. She claimed that neither Dr. Topper was available for comment. Responding to questions, she admitted that she does have trouble telling them apart. "Not that it matters much," said the mellow housewife, "one's as good as the other."

Centerfold Cop:

Centerfold cop Marilyn Bembo, who was fired by the Aternaty Police Department for being naked while in the performance of her duty, announced today, at a well-attended press conference, that she is suing the city for one million big ones (dollars, that is). We turn now to reporter Garr The for the story.

(Garr The) Max, Ms. Bembo stated emphatically with an undulating motion that she really doesn't want to sue the city, and therefore its already overtaxed citizens. "But," said the topheavy former flatfoot, "it's the principle of the thing." Pausing first to purse her oh-so-persuasive lips, she then went on. "Sure, I was naked but I was in a squad car with a professional photographer ... and it's not like I was out on foot patrol where just about anyone who wanted to could see everything I got."

Later in the day Mayor Arthur Adnob said he was impressed with Bembo's statement. "It is reasuring," said the mayor, "to know that just because you drop your drawers in public for the oglification of the lascivious fringe group that makes up the majority of our good citizenery, it doesn't mean you have dumped your principles as well."

The issue of the appropriateness of an officer of the law appearing in Purientboy magazine without so much as a badge between her and the public was raised yet again with Mayor Adnob. The mayor claimed that he had not actually seen the photographic documentation of Officer Bembo's all-togetherness as it appeared in the publication. Then after thumbing slowly through one of the many copies offered by the sleezy-looking, sex-starved journalists in attendance, Adnob allowed that "Marilyn Bembo is obviously one of Aternaty's finest," and that perhaps he should meet with her, as the mayor put it, "... in the hope that we can work something out."

After all is said and done, the image that remains, in addition to the comely cop holstering and unholstering her weapons, is the spectacle of the media circus surrounding this event, with reporters in a feeding frenzy, pushing and shoving ... and for what? It was all I could do to elbow my way to the buxom ex-peace officer to get her to smile invitingly and arch her back a bit for the camera before I was shoved out of the way as she gurgled a forgettable response to my cogent questions.

(Max Hernphenffer) Right you are Garr. As usual, you have your nose right on the more significant angles of what could otherwise be trivial stories.