Max Hernphenffer: Govenor Pat Ayaki, at a press conference yesterday, you told reporters that Jesus had appeared to you in the Billiard Room at the Govenors Mansion and that you took this opportunity to question him about the morality of capital punishment. Just what did Jesus have to say?
Gov. Ayaki: First, Max, I want to thank you for having me here to share this important message with your audience. Clearly anything Jesus had to say on the subject, he had to know I was going to go on tv and ... ah ...
Max Hernphenffer: Talk about it?
Gov. Ayaki: Talk about it, yes. It's not like it should be like some big secret between two leaders or anything.
Max Hernphenffer: So, what did he say?
Gov. Ayaki: Say? Oh, yes, about capital punishment. He basically said that anyone with half a brain could see that, when one considers how many zillions of humans God has created ... ah, since the Beginning and all, how bad could it be - offing a bunch of murderers and the occasional wrongly-accused doofus?
Max Hernphenffer: Those were his words?
Gov. Ayaki: More or less. As I recall, he specifically said, "Those police chiefs who say capital punishment isn't a deterrent, don't know sushi from shinola, 'cause that guy it's used on ain't coming back, especially if you take his head off." It turns out that Jesus thinks electrocution is really gruesome, and that lethal injections cost too much and are bad for the doctor/patient relationship thing. But he thinks beheading has a lot going for it.
Max Hernphenffer: He thinks it's a good idea?
Gov. Ayaki: Yeah, he counted off, on his fingers, five reasons why. "Think about it," Jesus said. "It is quick, the technology is do-able, it is cheap, and it is effective."
Max Hernphenffer: So that's it then? Jesus supports your views on the need for capital punishment?
Gov. Ayaki: It would seem so. Personally, I think beheading is a little too, shall we say, "Old Testament" for my taste. But, if Jesus is for it, I believe we, considering all the good stuff he has done and all, we should be willing to go along with him on this one.